Now that the Christmas holiday season is over its time for the discriminating Christian consumer to make plans for where they will celebrate Easter. Below is this year’s Mega Church Easter Entertainment Guide for the those seeking this year’s most relevant Easter Entertainment Experiences.
Saddleback Church, Pastor Rick Warren, Lake Forest, CA
Last year Pastor Warren featured the Jonas Brothers as the headline act for Saddleback’s Easter Entertainment Experience. This year, Warren hopes to out do last year's performance by having Justin Bieber as the top billing at Saddleback’s annual Easter show.
Willowcreek, Pastor Bill Hybels, South Barrington, IL
Pastor Hybels is planning an Easter event, the likes of which has never been seen in Protestant churches. Willowcreek’s Easter Entertainment Extravaganza will include fireworks and an upbeat Easter medley performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Fellowship Church, Pastor Ed Young, Jr., Fort Worth, TX
Ed Young, Jr. plans to take Fellowship Church’s Easter Experience to a whole notha’ level by flying in (via private jet) the 2010 sensation from America’s Got Talent, the flamboyant and always entertaining, Prince Poppycock.
New Spring Church, Pastor Perry Noble, Anderson, SC
Perry Noble had initially booked Marilyn Manson to headline New Spring’s Easter Experience but Manson cancelled due to a religious conflict. Sources close to Manson have told us that he’s not comfortable with the way that Perry Noble twists the Bible and therefore felt that it would be sacrilegious of him to celebrate Easter at New Spring. Luckily for Noble he was able to book Lady Gaga instead.
It should be noted that pastor Noble stirred up some controversy when he divulged on Twitter that Lady Gaga would be wearing almost nothing during her performance. But, Noble silenced his critics by telling them that he expects that over 1,000 people will make a decision to be a Christ Follower this Easter at New Spring after seeing Lady Gaga’s “smokin hot body”. Noble, unlike cowardly traditionalist pastors, is willing to do what ever it takes to help people make a decision for Jesus.
Elevation Church, Pastor Steven Furtick, Charlotte, NC
Steven Furtick’s Easter Experience will feature Steven Furtick delivering his 1,000th sermon on his new book Sun Stand Still. Said Furtick, “One thousand sermons on the same topic is a milestone that no pastor has ever reached. But because of my audacious faith and my pure awesomeness I have been able to climb my way to heights that no pastor before me has ever been able to reach.” This Easter if you want to learn the secrets to being as audacious and awesome as Steven Furtick then you’ll want to attend Elevation Church’s Easter Experience.
Fellowship of the Woodlands, Pastor Kerry Shook, Woodlands, TX
For years people have been saying that watching a Kerry Shook sermon is like watching an episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil. So, Kerry Shook shocked the mega church world when he announced that this Easter both Oprah and Dr. Phil would be his special guests during Fellowship of the Woodlands Easter Experience. Said Shook, “This year’s Easter message will be inspiring, practical and somewhat spiritual as Oprah, Dr. Phil and myself discuss some of the most common habits that hold people back from having the life of their dreams.”
Granger Community Church, Pastor Mark Beeson, Granger, IN
As attendance continues to slip at Granger and their influence continues to fall in the seeker-driven ranks, Mark Beeson may have committed a relevance fail when he announced that this year’s Granger Easter show would feature the popular 90’s boy band, Hanson, singing their 1996 runaway hit MMMBop. Unfortunately, most people don’t find the members of Hanson to be as cute and relevant as they were before they started shaving. But, Beeson defended his decision by saying that “The economic recovery has not arrived in Northern Indiana yet and times are still tough. We wanted to show people that we were good stewards of our limited finances. Because Hanson isn’t that popular we were able to book them cheap. In fact, those boys were so desperate to play a venue as large as ours that they’re practically paying us to appear at Granger’s Easter Experience.”
Now that you know which entertainers will be headlining at the top mega churches in the country, make your travel plans early so that you can enjoy the Easter Experience that is most relevant to you.
***this story is satire***