Lake Forest, CA - The Board of Directors for GigaChurch Corp. announced today that they had forced the resignation of Jesus Christ as the head of their organization. The reasons cited for Jesus’ abrupt departure from GigaChurch Corp. included Jesus’ increasing lack of understanding of the unique needs of 21st Century spiritual consumers as well as recent marketing data that showed that Jesus’ old school message of “repentance and the forgiveness of sins in His name” was just not resonating with today’s "spiritual but not religious" consumers.
Rick Warren, Chairman of the Board, for GigaChurch Corp. in an email sent to the media said, “This was a tough decision to have to make. Jesus has been the head of our organization since its inception. But, Jesus’ insistence on sound doctrine and a core message that conjures up visions of sin, hell, God’s wrath and Jesus’ scandalous bloody death on the cross between two common thieves just isn’t relevant anymore.” Said Warren, “Despite our insistence at previous board meetings that Jesus get his head out of the First Century and update His messaging to meet the felt needs of today’s spiritual seekers, Jesus stubbornly refused to take our sage business advice. Ultimately, we had to think about the future of our organization and it was clear that we just wouldn’t meet our growth goals for our 2014 Vision if we continued to use a 2000 year old message.”
Bill Hybels, Senior Member of the Board of Directors for GigaChurch Corp., commenting on Jesus’ abrupt resignation said, “This decision was long overdue. Truth be told, no one is indispensable and despite Jesus' claims to the contrary, we don’t need Him to grow GigaChurch Corp. Now that Jesus is no longer at the helm we expect our growth to sky rocket.
Joel Osteen, Junior Board Member for GigaChurch Corp., sounded relieved. Said Osteen, “With Jesus out of the way, we can finally tell spiritual consumers exactly what they want to hear.”
Wall Street received the news of Jesus’ forced resignation favorably, and GigaChurch Corp’s stock price shot up to nearly $7 a share and closed at $6.66 a share in late afternoon trading.