Letter of Marque

Board of Directors for GigaChurch Corp. Force Resignation of Jesus Christ

Lake Forest, CA - The Board of Directors for GigaChurch Corp. announced today that they had forced the resignation of Jesus Christ as the head of their organization.  The reasons cited for Jesus’ abrupt departure from GigaChurch Corp. included Jesus’ increasing lack of understanding of the unique needs of 21st Century spiritual consumers as well as recent marketing data that showed that Jesus’ old school message of 
“repentance and the forgiveness of sins in His name” was just not resonating with today’s "spiritual but not religious" consumers.

Rick Warren, Chairman of the Board, for GigaChurch Corp. in an email sent to the media said, “This was a tough decision to have to make.  Jesus has been the head of our organization since its inception.  But, Jesus’ insistence on sound doctrine and a core message that conjures up visions of sin, hell, God’s wrath and Jesus’ scandalous bloody death on the cross between two common thieves just isn’t relevant anymore.”  Said Warren, “Despite our insistence at previous board meetings that Jesus get his head out of the First Century and update His messaging to meet the felt needs of today’s spiritual seekers, Jesus stubbornly refused to take our sage business advice.  Ultimately, we had to think about the future of our organization and it was clear that we just wouldn’t meet our growth goals for our 2014 Vision if we continued to use a 2000 year old message.”

Bill Hybels, Senior Member of the Board of Directors for GigaChurch Corp., commenting on Jesus’ abrupt resignation said, “This decision was long overdue.  Truth be told, no one is indispensable and despite Jesus' claims to the contrary, we don’t need Him to grow GigaChurch Corp.  Now that Jesus is no longer at the helm we expect our growth to sky rocket.

Joel Osteen, Junior Board Member for GigaChurch Corp., sounded relieved.  Said Osteen, “With Jesus out of the way, we can finally tell spiritual consumers exactly what they want to hear.”

Wall Street received the news of Jesus’ forced resignation favorably, and GigaChurch Corp’s stock price shot up to nearly $7 a share and closed at $6.66 a share in late afternoon trading.

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The 2011 Guide to Mega Church Easter Entertainment

Now that the Christmas holiday season is over its time for the discriminating Christian consumer to make plans for where they will celebrate Easter. Below is this year’s Mega Church Easter Entertainment Guide for the those seeking this year’s most relevant Easter Entertainment Experiences.

Saddleback Church, Pastor Rick Warren, Lake Forest, CA

Last year Pastor Warren featured the Jonas Brothers as the headline act for Saddleback’s Easter Entertainment Experience. This year, Warren hopes to out do last year's performance by having Justin Bieber as the top billing at Saddleback’s annual Easter show.

Willowcreek, Pastor Bill Hybels, South Barrington, IL

Pastor Hybels is planning an Easter event, the likes of which has never been seen in Protestant churches. Willowcreek’s Easter Entertainment Extravaganza will include fireworks and an upbeat Easter medley performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Fellowship Church, Pastor Ed Young, Jr., Fort Worth, TX

Ed Young, Jr. plans to take Fellowship Church’s Easter Experience to a whole notha’ level by flying in (via private jet) the 2010 sensation from America’s Got Talent, the flamboyant and always entertaining, Prince Poppycock.

New Spring Church, Pastor Perry Noble, Anderson, SC

Perry Noble had initially booked Marilyn Manson to headline New Spring’s Easter Experience but Manson cancelled due to a religious conflict. Sources close to Manson have told us that he’s not comfortable with the way that Perry Noble twists the Bible and therefore felt that it would be sacrilegious of him to celebrate Easter at New Spring. Luckily for Noble he was able to book Lady Gaga instead.

It should be noted that pastor Noble stirred up some controversy when he divulged on Twitter that Lady Gaga would be wearing almost nothing during her performance. But, Noble silenced his critics by telling them that he expects that over 1,000 people will make a decision to be a Christ Follower this Easter at New Spring after seeing Lady Gaga’s “smokin hot body”. Noble, unlike cowardly traditionalist pastors, is willing to do what ever it takes to help people make a decision for Jesus.

Elevation Church, Pastor Steven Furtick, Charlotte, NC

Steven Furtick’s Easter Experience will feature Steven Furtick delivering his 1,000th sermon on his new book Sun Stand Still. Said Furtick, “One thousand sermons on the same topic is a milestone that no pastor has ever reached. But because of my audacious faith and my pure awesomeness I have been able to climb my way to heights that no pastor before me has ever been able to reach.” This Easter if you want to learn the secrets to being as audacious and awesome as Steven Furtick then you’ll want to attend Elevation Church’s Easter Experience.

Fellowship of the Woodlands, Pastor Kerry Shook, Woodlands, TX

For years people have been saying that watching a Kerry Shook sermon is like watching an episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil. So, Kerry Shook shocked the mega church world when he announced that this Easter both Oprah and Dr. Phil would be his special guests during Fellowship of the Woodlands Easter Experience. Said Shook, “This year’s Easter message will be inspiring, practical and somewhat spiritual as Oprah, Dr. Phil and myself discuss some of the most common habits that hold people back from having the life of their dreams.”

Granger Community Church, Pastor Mark Beeson, Granger, IN

As attendance continues to slip at Granger and their influence continues to fall in the seeker-driven ranks, Mark Beeson may have committed a relevance fail when he announced that this year’s Granger Easter show would feature the popular 90’s boy band, Hanson, singing their 1996 runaway hit MMMBop. Unfortunately, most people don’t find the members of Hanson to be as cute and relevant as they were before they started shaving. But, Beeson defended his decision by saying that “The economic recovery has not arrived in Northern Indiana yet and times are still tough. We wanted to show people that we were good stewards of our limited finances. Because Hanson isn’t that popular we were able to book them cheap. In fact, those boys were so desperate to play a venue as large as ours that they’re practically paying us to appear at Granger’s Easter Experience.”

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Now that you know which entertainers will be headlining at the top mega churches in the country, make your travel plans early so that you can enjoy the Easter Experience that is most relevant to you.

***this story is satire***